I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
