Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
