I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
