How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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