I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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