I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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