peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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