She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
