well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
