he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
