3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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