go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
