woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
