ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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