I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
