I just pynch a tree in the face
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
