Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
