saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
