My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
