My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
