So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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