dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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