Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
