you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.