im about as happy as oj after his trial
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.