Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
