I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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