Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
