dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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