The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
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I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
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Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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