the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
