did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
