btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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