OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
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he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
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At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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