unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
