OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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