My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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