apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
