Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
