I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
