her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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