Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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