saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
