i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
do nipples grow back?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
