I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
