I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
