This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
