i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
