i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
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I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
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I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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