The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
