I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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