I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
