I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
