Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
