some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
